Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My New Life

It's been almost a year since my last post. 
In this last year I have been closer to my Heavenly Father, I think, than at any other time in my life. 
I have been constantly on my knees in prayer and supplication.
He has guided me to this, my new life.

How desperate is a woman who would leave her home, her family, her friends, her job, her reputation in the community she spent decades grooming?  How miserable must she be?  How much anguish can one person take within her body, mind and soul?

That was my ride each day, to new heights of ignominy, embarrassment and humiliation.  I prayed, "Father, what should I do?" 
Each day he sent the Holy Ghost to strengthen me and lead me, seemingly by the hand, to find even more reasons to be aghast with my husband's behavior(s). 
I needed a kick in the head.  He was giving it to me.  I was naive.  He helped me see the light in the situation. 

Despair, misery and anguish are all emotions perpetrated by the adversary.  These are all sentiments that presented themselves to me in the past year as I discovered my husband's dirty little secrets.  At times, I was all-consumed with these negative feelings.
"What could I have done differently?"  "How could I have changed his actions?" were questions I constantly kept asking myself.  Alas, a person suffering from addictive behaviors deserves the credit himself.

Blame was something I had to take off my plate.  I slowly came to this realization, with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  "Father, I can't do this anymore.  Please help me?!"
Help came in the form of our Savior and Redeemer.  He already went through what I was going through.  He was the antidote to all the shame and bewilderment.

After a priesthood blessing, I realized my decision to get a divorce and move to be near my children, to remove myself from my home, in a state where I lived my whole life, was the right thing to do.  The blessing confirmed it--mightily! 

I have learned that the reason why these incidents happened to me, meaning the finding of secrets, was because "God will not be mocked."  (D&C 63:58)
I feel blameless because I have helped in revealing what was happening that was making a mockery of my God and my whole belief system.

The opposite of despair is hope. The opposite of misery is joy.  The opposite of anguish is contentment. 

These opposites are what faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ brought to me as I now seek my new life. 
I'm away from the abuser, so I have hope in Christ that I will find my way. 
I am joyful because I can now stand on my own two feet and be my own me.  (see Psalm 35:9)
I am content each day as I awaken and realize that it is a new day in my new life and I make of it what I can, with the help of my Heavenly Father, who loves me. 

Now...on to healing.

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1 Nephi 1: 1, 3

...therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.
And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge.